Have you ever found yourself with lots to say but nothing to really say? Maybe it's writers block. Perhaps it's a level of restlessness, angst. Maybe it's a craving, desire for connection. To be seen. To be heard. To be known. Maybe it's just all of the emotions with life in the middle of a global pandemic. There is hope but sadness, confidence but uncertainty, faith but questions. We just don't know what the future will look like or when we can "walk" into our future. We're living day by day. Tomorrow is uncertain and not guaranteed. Surely we cannot predict or say what we anticipate should or will happen. Maybe it's all of the above. Or bad pizza, but not likely. 

I am in transition, in all facets of my life whilst amid a global pandemic. That's probably a big contributor to all the feels. It's awfully loud but quiet at the same time. Lots to say but nothing to say. Lots to do but nothing to do. Work hard but at the same time you cannot earn through hard works. It's a weird juxtaposition but yet it makes total sense. Why is this? The short answer is because my citizenship is of a different kingdom. I belong and live from and for a kingdom that appears upside down and opposite to the things and practice of this world. For me in this moment to simply pause and "be" feels natural and the right thing for me. God is working all things out concerning the earth and my world. He invites me to just let go and let him be my father. He invites me to surrender and be still. To breathe in life - God himself. To sit, lay down and rest in his presence. To let my words be few and let him speak over me with his love and truth. 

In the midst of crisis and uncertainty God is allowing me to walk in a rhythm I have longed and prayed for. Quite honestly, I have intentionally and deliberately fought very hard for this rhythm. And it's a rhythm I have to choose everyday. Amid the angst, craziness and anything but ordinary there is an ease. A peace. A quiet trusting that feels more solid than any loud, stomping victory shout. Truly there is a time for all things like Ecclesiastes says and one is not more powerful than the other because if God is the center of our lives it is all life giving and refreshing. It's wild to think how can there be rest and peace in the middle of unrest and chaos. Upside kingdom. 

What a gift by God's grace that I am awakened to and now able to operate with this internal rhythm that is opposite and contrary to everything happening externally. I choose to live in a rhythm that declares truth over my external - my circumstances, situation and life. That truth is God is my father and he loves me. He is good, he is for me. He is a promise keeper, miracle worker. But that's not enough. I want to also let him to be that very truth to me and for me internally - in my heart and being. Now from that place I have a healthy rhythm. Allowing my internal rhythm to dictate how I view and interact with my external. Not easy work. But worth it. 


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