Undone

If you ever want to know "where I am," ask me what song I am listening to. Like most workdays, I put in my earbuds and listen to the audio bible, then worship music and or a podcast. As of late, it's been less podcasts and more audio bible and worship music. I don't have any particular "favorite" artist but Bethel music has been frequent during this season. 

Sometimes I wish I was musically gifted and a creative artist in that lane because worship is super powerful and satisfying. (I've always secretly wished I was a worship singer.) It's beautiful in lyric and sound. I can get lost in the moment. An atmosphere of intimacy is created and I experience God in a profound way. It involves my entire being - mind, body, heart, soul. It's dynamic, effective and appears straight forward with the ability to speak and move people instantly. As if that gift has more of an "ease" in the offering, the reaping and sowing, bearing of the fruit...

But even as I type that statement, I sense God's gentle directing, "it's not so much about the gift expressed, but the difference maker is the spirit working and flowing through the vessel." A surrendered, humble, willing and available vessel. Every great man or woman of God whether in writing, speaking, music, administration, or whatever arena or field did not "wake up" and "arrive." (None of us have arrived, if so, our purpose would be fulfilled and we'd be dead!) It did not come easily or free or without failures, fears. They worked and work hard to grow in their craft or hone their skill. They show up with courage and as they show up and steward their gift, it's the Holy Spirit that then enables, empowers and causes that offering to go forth in power and serve it's purpose. 

So where am I today? I am a deep feeler and some days I don't quite have words or the right language for what I am feeling, thinking or experiencing. I think in part I have so many stirrings, longings, desires in my heart - things I want to express, things I want to say to God, do for God. I think I am trying to "find" my voice. Don't get me wrong. I know I have value, significance, a purpose, gifts and talents. I know I am doing what I am suppose to be doing in this season. But I do acknowledge I have yet to "find" my sweet spot, my creative outlet. I have yet to fully operate in my gifting. And as I type this I am encouraged because I think I am getting "closer!" Having said that, I am living in the PRESENT. Not concerned with the past, not reaching for the future, enjoying today. This moment. Being present in his presence. 

The song "Fountains" hit me in a tender way today. I want that to be my forever cry and heart posture. I was particularly undone by these lines, To "never forget the moment I met Jesus. The moment He called my name. Pulled me out of the darkness, gave me a promise to never thirst again. I will sit at Your table forever grateful. Forever where You dwell."  He is my home. 

To know him and to be found in him is my purpose. 
He has a seat at the table for me. 
I am his and he is mine. 
"All my fountains are in God. All my hope is built on His love."  
I am completely satisfied and fulfilled because I have the Father's love. 
I lack no good thing because I have Jesus Christ. Everything is mine in him.  

"God, Your faithful love is so valuable that people take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They are filled from the abundance of Your house; You let them drink from Your refreshing stream, for with You is life’s fountain. In Your light we will see light." Psalm 36:7-9

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