I find myself at an interesting juncture. I'm in process and walking it out so I will refrain from any attempts in trying to fully understand, summarize or conclude what I think is taking place or where I think it is leading me. I am content and very grateful for where I am and where our family is in this moment. God's timing is perfect. He leaves no detail undone. His ways are perfect. I am living the life I am to live right now, doing the things I am suppose to be doing. But yet there is still this tension. It's not a bad tension. I think it's the result of living in a broken world when our hearts were created and designed for perfection. It's life on earth in the temporary but yet we were created for heaven and eternity. Isn't it true though that we are all constantly living in some level of tension? So how do we navigate this tension?
While I am content, full of faith and at peace with where I am presently, I would not be honest if I did not say there is still a hint of weariness, fatigue and restlessness. Perhaps it's more monotony and the heaviness of all that's taking place in our nation and world right now. Or perhaps it's a desire to feel more engaged and connected with the things that tug at my heartstrings. It's that need to feel and be a part of something bigger than myself. I want to be a part of things that are moving, living, active and changing lives in the immediate.
As we are all still navigating the impacts and changes as a result of this pandemic, I am very clear and certain of the main things I am to focus on: take care of my husband and kids, stay healthy and safe, homeschooling, work my full-time job, tend to my home and family and stay spiritually and physically fit. Gosh, having listed all those things out, I don't need any convincing that I do not need to "add" anything to my plate. But yet. But yet there is an undeniable longing to engage and connect with community, service and fellowship. I don't think I am abnormal. I don't think I am wrong. I don't think I am missing something or not doing something I "should" be doing. I think something is brewing, being refined and welling up in my heart and soul for the appointed time. I think I am learning patience. I think I am learning trust. I think I am learning contentment and finding satisfaction and joy in Christ. I think it's maturity and gratitude in finding the meaningful in the mundane. I think it's digging deep and stretching my faith to call out the glorious and finding God in profound and simple ways in the every day living. I think it's a quiet confidence being birth in me, to be able to sit in silence and be okay with the silence and to stay the course. It's a building up to be built out and sent out. It's a sweet surrender.
So I think it's a really good idea for me to to keep on the path I am on. To keep my hand to the plow, to keep moving forward and to keep resting in him. He is a good shepherd and he leads me on the right path for HIS name's sake, not mine. My task - follow, listen, obey and become more like my Shepherd.
Today, that's all I need to know. I am thankful for God's grace and patience with me for how far he has brought me in releasing my "need" to control and "know" every detail of my life. In James 2 it speaks about faith without works is dead. That scripture hit me a different way today when I heard it. I wonder if I sometimes don't feel as "alive" because I do have faith, I do want to engage in good works and deeds, and while I am doing what I am able and can right now, I do believe there is more. So I pause and release that feeling of "there is more" to my good Father. He'll lead me as I keep abiding in him. And that friend, is life for me - to walk with my father and to sit in his presence and friendship.